I’m embarrassed, but I need your help #please… I have a possible tumor and my insurance isn’t helping

I don’t do this often and the few times I have asked for help, I’ve never gotten very far. But I need to try because I don’t know what else to do.

I suppose this is a long rant about what’s going on with me and my life these days. I try to keep it quiet and distract myself with pretty things, but sometimes I need to let it out. And maybe you can find it in your heart to get through this and help me in some way. Anyway.

There are too many things going on. Too many things.  No one I know has money they can lend or just gift me. I have no money. My family of 3 lives off of $17k a year. I honestly don’t know how we make it.

Health insurance is denying my claims. I can’t pay my medical bills. I need a ct scan bc I have a tumour that may need chemotherapy (according to a resident at John Hopkins) and I can’t afford any of it. It may not need chemo or radiation. It could be nothing. It could be outright removed (even though we’ve removed it twice already) but I’ll never know until it’s too late, if I can’t get this ct scan.

I practically live on my asthma inhaler and I often wonder if I can even afford to “waste” another huff of it. My asthma isn’t bad enough to kill me or anything like that, just bad enough to torture me every day and send me to urgent care with the occasional asthma attack that requires being hooked up to a breathing machine.

I got put on prednisone. The side effects are weight gain, fatigue, foggy thoughts, pain, nausea and just about everything I don’t need right now, or ever.

My phone is dying a little more every day. I can’t make or receive phone calls or texts and data anything doesn’t work. I can only use it when I’m home and connected to wifi. It turns off randomly. Freezes. Even when at home, it can take forever for it to do anything. Battery life is an hour at rest if I’m lucky.

My mom’s car is busted. That was our only source of transportation and now that’s gone. We can’t afford to fix it. The closest bus stop is 5 miles away on the highway with no sidewalks. I can’t walk there bc I have nerve damage so severe that I’m on meds galore and still can’t walk longer than 15 minutes. And sometimes the pain is so bad that I can’t walk at all.

I have nothing in my name other than debt. What are these bill collectors going to take away from me? I don’t have wages to garnish. What do they want? I have nothing to give them. If I could dissect this tumour myself, I would maybe sell it to science or some weirdo on Craigslist. That could make some money, maybe.

Nothing is right or even close to it. Even if after 4 years of unemployment someone does want to hire me or even interview me, how would I get there? How do they call me? Even that doesn’t work out right.

I’m stuck and I need help getting unstuck. I’m so embarrassed to even be asking, but I really don’t know what else to do.

If you can find it in your heart to maybe throw a few bucks my way, I’d be so insanely and forever grateful. Maybe you can pass this along to a friend?

Thank you.

Peace and Pistachios,







An entirely flawed system

So I just found out that NJ is cutting off my food stamps because I’m considered able-bodied. Food stamps has literally been the only thing feeding my family right now and the only way for me to continue getting food stamps is if I go to a 20 hour a week work program. I tried to go to the program and had to make an appointment for orientation months ago and they were so mean and dismissive of me. They wanted me to miss my doctor appointment to go to their orientation and I told them I couldn’t miss it. I was sick, I needed to see a doctor. So they wouldn’t schedule me for another day and that was that.

I can get out of the requirement if I’m caring for someone in my family, which I am, my mother who has been unwell. But why is she unwell, because without warning her health insurance was terminated because she was deemed to make too much money. My mom makes $800 a month from alimony payments. That’s it! How is that too much money? Because she doesn’t have health insurance, she can’t afford her meds and hence has not been the greatest lately. The only way to prove that I’m caring for my mother is if she gets evaluated by a doctor and deemed disabled. Again, something we cannot afford. And if she never had her insurance terminated to begin with, she’d have her meds and she wouldn’t need someone to look after her.  It’s a flawed system and I’m so embarrassed and sad and scared. I don’t know how to feed my family.

I’ve been trying to get a job for a year and a half now with no luck. I have a BA and two MAs. I’m clearly educated and should be capable of getting a job but no one wants to give me a chance despite my 10 years of experience. I really don’t know what to do. I really hate to ask, but I need help. I haven’t paid my credit cards off, we’re charging everything on credit and I’ve reached my credit limit. We’re not using the heat even though it’s so cold, bc we can’t afford to make the payment. I don’t have a cell phone line because we can’t afford it. How is my family going to eat? What am I supposed to do? Like we can’t even afford to pay rent this month. Literally, I have no idea what to do or how to keep us from being hungry and homeless. And I could kick myself for ending up in this situation.

I keep trying to crawl us out of this hole, but I keep failing.

This is so embarrassing, but I need help and I don’t know where to turn. I’m so embarrassed to ask and hate myself for getting to this point. If you could spare anything, even just $1, I would appreciate it so much. https://www.paypal.me/hebavsreason I swear, I’ll never forget your generosity and 100% promise to pay it forward. I’m just so scared and so unsure of how to make ends meet. I’m so embarrassed and I’m so sorry for asking. Maybe you could pass this around, reblog it. Any help would be so important and I’d be so thankful.

Dear Glasgow Taxi Driver: Invisible Disabilities

Dear Glasgow Taxi Driver:

I took a cab ride in your taxi today and it was by far one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had in the U.K. And that is saying a lot.  I am disabled. Registered disabled, shall I clarify. I walk just fine, but I cannot medically or physically lift anything heavy, so let’s say nothing more than 10-15 lbs on a good day. I got in your cab and asked you to help me with my bags and you said that it’s not your job. I told you I was disabled. I have issues in my spine, by some standard a slight visual impairment, nerve damage in my back and shoulders, severe arthritis in my back, as well as a development coordination disorder. Shall I pull out the official records?
You said that you had a bad back too and insisted I put the bags in the car myself. I told you I really physically can’t. If I lift the bags, I will literally herniate multiple discs in my back and be paralysed from the neck down until an ambulance arrives and drugs me up in order to feel my body again. I haven’t even talked about the nerve damage aftershock.
You finally put the bags in the car, but only after you ranted and raved at me for 10 minutes about how ‘it wasn’t your job.’ I couldn’t even get the bags to the street myself and had to have an aid bring them there for me, but unfortunately she couldn’t stay with me. In fact, she left me just seconds before you pulled up. You took me to my destination while yelling at me the entire way about how I don’t “look disabled.” I tried to explain to you my situation and that I can stand and walk, but I am limited in my physical abilities. You weren’t having any of that.
When I got to my hotel, you cursed at me while taking my bags out. I paid you and you stood next to me and asked, “Where are you from, America?” I said, “Yes.” And you said, “Usually when I have American passengers they give me a tip for doing their work for them.” I was stunned, because not only did I pay you, but you gave me my change back at this point, when I didn’t even ask for it back. Besides, why would I tip you for yelling and cursing at me. I never once raised my voice at you or even presented an attitude. I was actually more on the verge of tears and was all shaky-voiced trying to hold it back.
You then got in the cab, rolled down your window and yelled at me while driving away. I couldn’t make out what you were saying, but I doubt it was nice.  You didn’t help me take my bags up the stairs of the hotel door. I had to leave my bags unattended on the curb and go into the hotel to ask for help.
While I was in the taxi I tried to look for some sort of id marker so I could report you directly to your company, however, I am visually incapable of reading black ink on a white or yellow background. Seeing as every piece of information in the cab was written in those colours, I was unable to id you specifically by name.
I have been living in the UK for 1.5 years, never once have I had such a horrible experience in a taxi. Never once have I had to divulge so much about my own personal medical history. You are not a doctor, you can’t diagnose me by looking at me on the street. This was pure, through and through, discrimination against the disabled. You can’t tell who is and isn’t disabled by a glance. Just because I can stand and walk, that doesn’t mean I can run and lift and jump or see.
Had you stuck around after dropping me off, you would have seen that I can’t walk very fast, because my disabilities won’t allow it. Not only that, but with my developmental coordination disorder, I frequently fall over for no reason and can’t control it. I shouldn’t have to apologise for not being in a wheelchair and not “looking disabled.” There are many disabilities in this world, many disabled people in this world and we all don’t look alike.  I also don’t appreciate being cursed at, yelled at, made to feel as though I were guilty of something, or clearly xenophobic/prejudice behaviour this man exhibited today.
Even my friends who aren’t disabled and have had to use taxis have gotten help putting their bags in taxis before. I don’t know where you come off judging, diagnosing, discriminating and treating people like that, but it’s not acceptable. A part of me almost wishes I did attempt to carry that bag and hurt myself, because maybe then you would see how real it is. Maybe then you would understand the gravity of having to call an ambulance because your passenger became paralysed due to your own ignorant behaviour. I don’t care if you are the only taxi driver on the continent, I will never take a taxi with you. I will never subject myself to this nonsense ever again.
You, sir, are not a nice person.